Breakups are hard. Statistics show that at least 50% of married couples end up divorced and amongst those who haven’t got divorce certificates, more than half of them are unhappily married or separated. That means the failure rate of marriages is actually 80% in western countries. Since marriage breakups are so painful, how can we alleviate the pain and recover from this common problem?
Invest in good legal advice.
You would be well-advised to hire a competent lawyer if you believe it’s necessary (e.g. you want to protect your wealth.) Many people don’t want to engage lawyers simply because they don’t want to pay legal fees, but they oftentimes end up paying 10 times more or 100 times more because their spouses can get half of their money. Obviously, hiring the right lawyer is usually a good move. If you don’t spend money on something like this now, when should you spend money?
Consult with a mental health professional.
When the stress is unbearable, it’s time to consult a counsellor, a therapist, or a psychologist who has professional experience in helping people like you. In most western countries, people are entitled to free consulting sessions. For instance, you can have 10 sessions with a psychologist for free if you are in Australia. You can also use your organization’s Employee Assistance Program (EAP) if you are employed – they can give you a few free counseling sessions.
Fill your brain with positive information.
Instead of focussing on the problem, how about filling your brain with good information so that bad information has limited space in your brain? You can read books, listen to podcasts and study online programs that inspire you. Remember: pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.
Learn the lessons and date safely (here is a mature woman’s journal when she remarries).
When women are in love, we tend to focus on romance rather than ourselves. But that’s not the best way to keep the spark fresh in a romantic relationship. Therefore, I’ve decided to share some insights into how to not lose yourself in a relationship today.
#1. Joy is our birthright.
Joyful activities trigger the release of nitric oxide which is very important to women’s health, according to Dr. Christiane Northrup, author of Goddesses Never Age: The Secret Prescription for Radiance, Vitality, and Well-being. Basically, that means if you want to prioritize your health and wellbeing, you should make time for things that bring you joy and do those activities without guilt!
Here is a list of joyful activities that I absolutely love (hopefully this list can give you some inspiration as well):
- Having a dance break every 50 minutes while working in the office.
- Taking a painting class.
- Reading erotica.
- Having a date night with myself (a bath with candles and watching Mad Men).
- Writing creative stories for fun.
#2. Take action towards goals that were set a while ago.
A few months ago, I wanted to go to Hawaii for the sea, the sunshine, and the sand. But I became busy with busyness, so I put it off. Fortunately, instead of forgetting my plan, I decide to book a flight to Hawaii right now.
What’s your goal that was set a while ago? Perhaps it’s time to take action towards your goal as well?
#3. Spend quality time with family and friends.
The average person only has about 30,000 days on the planet, so we must make every day count! (Yes, I said “must”, not “should”.)
Every moment is so key in my life; therefore, whenever I have some spare time, I would consider spending some quality time with my family and friends because I love them so much. Obviously, I don’t derive all of my happiness from my romantic relationship; I actually think my family and friends are equally important!
#4. Give back.
Because I always fill my own cup first, I have the energy and strength to give what’s overflowing to those around me in my community. I still remember my mentor said to me, “Remember to fill your own cup first, as you can’t share with others if your own cup isn’t full.” That’s absolutely true.
Therefore, I oftentimes donate books that I’ve read to the local charity and I’m also looking to be a volunteer in a public primary school these days.
#5. Mind my own business.
My best gift for my husband is my own happiness. In other words, when I’m happy, that’s the best gift for him. If I’m grumpy, sad, or angry, he can’t be happy either.
Because of this philosophy, I don’t take on other people’s problems, not even my husband’s. Whenever he has an issue, I just take time to be supportive towards him. But I never allow his problem to affect my life.
My husband is an independent man, so I give him the space to figure things out on his own instead of being the rescuer. He truly, deeply appreciates my approach and that’s why our marriage is so sweet!
The fact that a relationship has ended doesn’t mean it has failed.
You two are not together anymore, but it doesn’t mean that relationship wasn’t valuable. I would argue that this relationship has added some very good value to your life. Maybe your ex has taught you things and brought unforgettable experiences to your life – those are all meaningful and positive elements in that relationship.
Therefore, I’d like to encourage you to write down a list of positivity – how has that relationship benefited you? This is my best friend Iona’s list:
- My ex-boyfriend suggested that I should get an advanced degree, so now I have a Master of Business Management. I can use this degree for the rest of my life
- We have travelled the world together. Very memorable experiences with lots of learning.
- He introduced his network to me. Because of his contact, I have found a good job.
How to grow out of the pain:
It’s time to focus on what you have learned from this relationship and the breakup. These are very helpful lessons that only this situation can teach you. I will give you Iona’s example, too:
- I’ve learned that I should have set boundaries from the beginning of that relationship. I shouldn’t have let my ex-boyfriend be involved in the drama of my family.
- I must have high standards and stick to my standards. I need to know my non-negotiables at all times, e.g. a man must respect me in the first place, because there is a big difference between liking a woman and respecting a woman.
- Now I know that I don’t want someone who is controlling and manipulative. Although my ex helped me in terms of my education and career, he had his own agenda in that process. Next time when I look for a partner, I have to make sure this candidate doesn’t have a questionable motive.
How to find confidence and date safely:
It turns out that confidence can be built if you believe it!
You’ll start from the obvious, i.e. you may upgrade your wardrobe and work on your grooming, as your external confidence directly affects how you feel, thereby influencing your internal confidence. Your clothes don’t have to be expensive, yet they have to be right.
“You would be well-advised to build a fantastic lifestyle that you’re proud of. For example, you can pursue career success and enjoy your hobbies.”